catch up; look ahead; ignore the now

catch up
so we won the world series. very long final game, silly weather. it’s been a decade since i watched baseball regularly and was a fan of another team. long enough that i got a bit happy and proud to have my city earn a win. and then everyone went nuts. see, when folks are happy, they’re supposed to act happy. turning over cars, smashing gigantic (gorgeous) planters full of new plants, ripping up newspaper holders and throwing them through store windows DOES NOT EQUAL HAPPY. seriously people. NOT well done. then, halloween. immediately prefaced by the victory parade, and full of a bit more frantic and scary energy than the lovely halloween should be. having celebrated in a most satisfactory manner all things halloween the weekend before, i chose to hole up in my house and ignore everyone else on friday. then, of course, election day. yet another reason for people to spontaneously parade on broad street. it seems this time, though, no mini-riot. just lots of happy people acting happy.

look ahead
plans are a-planning in full force now for the new show. in a week my official prep starts, and shorty after that rehearsals. so many exciting things happening on top of the usual excitements–original music, paper animation on giant screens and FALSE GROSS TEETH! which is of course my favorite part so far. so pleased to be working on this project. also, i plan to go to the zoo this week. we’ll see how that turns out, as you may remember, there have been some serious zoo failures in the past. i also plan to finish the new filing system to cure a certain tiny closet from its own personal hell-paper-virus. heh. we’ll see how that turns out as well. also plan to figure out the technical difficulties (why do flikr and ravelry not get along?) and add tremendous amounts of information about what i have/am/will knit(ing) because why wouldn’t i do that? of course, i plan to also finish the three open knitting projects during the rehearsal lunch breaks. hah!

ignore the now
well, it’s been a crappy week or so, punctuated by some very lovely days. i am lately susceptible to being consumed by my own livingroom. much more pleasant occurrences if i bother to actually talk to other human beings. left to my own devices too much equals not good this time around. (and yes, i still do live with someone i very much like to talk to, but he’s been on a night shift work schedule for a bit, so my own devices have had plenty of time to work. seriously, how do people do this for entire lifetimes?)  really i’m not as codependant as i sound… it’s just a funk. which is why i am ignoring the now, obviously. except for tomorrow at yoga, where i will luxuriate in the now, that’s what yoga is for, sometimes.

[in bonus news, today a certain old friend became a dad, and certain relatives celebrated many happy years of marriage, and tomorrow someone might decide to adopt roscoe the awesome cat who loves to chew on long hair]

knee socks require balls?

i am known for my crazy socks. this has been true since i was old enough to influence the sock purchasing. particularly knee socks–i get cold. also, they are awesome. (let’s put aside for a moment my monumental resentment that knee socks have been dubbed as hipster. along with knitting, and several other things i enjoy that used to be somewhat unique. not that it matters. but i liked them first, jerkwads.)

right. so i was walking down a boardwalk in pt. pleaseant of the jersey shore, in knee high socks of chartreuse and chocolate horizantal stripes, of heavy, loose-weave cotton. delightful, and yes, a bit unusual. many comments through the day. my boyfriend and i debated as to the positive/negative nature of these comments, as humans tend to be excellent at the sarcastic backhanded insult. but one comment stood out. a relatively young woman said to me, i love your socks. i said thanks. then she said, i wish i had the balls to wear them. i smiled and quickly said, it’s not hard.

i was so surprised. it takes balls? guts? self-esteem of some kind to wear knee socks? i guess in her small portion of the world, they haven’t become cool. and i guess to her it mattered. i feel pretty sad about that. if i knew her address i would mail her a pair of socks, perhaps over the knee toe socks in lemon and navy argyle. i would wear those, wouldn’t you?

hibernation; lactation; it remains to be seen

hibernation.
or rather, the end of. this summer has meant a resurgence in my tendency towards feeling writer-ly. mostly, i think, because of an abundance of time. party, i also think, because of moodiness and the idea of having something to say. i don’t care why, i’m enjoying it. i’ve been letting thoughts percolate and will shore up my ego enough to attempt something non-blog, non-haiku to bring to first fig writers’ collective. which is, of course, another writer-ly result of this summer i had little to do with creating, but am determined to make excellent use of. (i very proudly ended that thought with an of. deal with it.)

lactation.
i started paying attention to a law and order episode this afternoon when the issue of mastectomy was raised, over pizza, by two male detectives and their female boss. the men found it impossible to believe that a woman would hesitate to have the surgery if suggested by a doctor as treatment for cancer. the woman asked in response, to the order of, isn’t there any body part you would hesitate to cut off? she went on to explain the growing sense of womanhood that begins with the growing of breasts, and the continuance of the breasts as a source of femininity/sexuality throughout life. now, point of wind-up: being with a man who very much likes my breasts, and who would very much like me without them, there would be no hesitation. life over breasts, certainly. but if the situation were different? maybe i would have to think about it? why are these bags of milk producing flesh so damned important?

it remains to be seen.
everything. and i mean that not hysterically, not philosophically, but plain and simple. i believe that tomorrow will bring a trip to the italian market for produce and good cheese, lots of catch up garden maintenance, a quick stop for an allergy shot, a yoga class, a cat-sitting-movie-watching-laundry episode and a late dinner cooked together on our grill. but who knows?

illusions of stillness

i’ve been sitting still staring at a blank screen for minutes trying to capture one thought. i picture them swirling around in a hollowed out brain–a bunch of silly string in a jello mold.

and then i start thinking about being still. how i can never be still. inside everything is moving, zooming with such purpose. busy neurons sending itchy messages from the bug-bitten left foot. blood surging and pooling to what will be a bruise tomorrow. uncountable mitochondria chugging out a manic ballet of energy.

and then i start thinking outside myself. water bugs scurrying on deserted sidewalks. people swirling out of a bar after last call. armies of trucks delivering the early edition. armies of trucks delivering armies. plate tectonics.

so how is one supposed to achieve stillness? more importantly, how is one supposed to tune out everything outside of a feeling of stillness… and why does thinking around something like this breed more restlessness, more silly string?

must learn sanskrit

so in addition to the large and lengthy tasks i have set for myself (still haven’t touched key one of a piano–except to have my hands photographed for a lines project) i feel like i want to learn sanskrit. i have a fondness for languages, and a rather petty preference for pretty sounding languages. sanskrit is pretty. also, things people say to me in sanskrit are pretty, or at least descriptively fun (this pose is easy, this pose is pigeon-y)

my favorite line from a chant we used to begin yoga last week was: guide me from darkness to light. of course i can’t remember the sanskrit properly. but the chant has been meandering in my thoughts all week, both in sound and in meaning. a little guidance wouldn’t be a bad thing. i’m not floundering, but i am, essentially, treading water. which is just fine, for the moment, if you like where you are. and i do. there are many places still to reach for, and sending a request for guidance to whomever, the ethers, myself, is a grand idea.

lightness. wonderful. i used to imagine that the words/states of being i (wanted to) strive for were stillness and joy. lightness, stillness, joy. a good collection started.

particularly human

the reason it’s so hard to let go of grievances and arguments isn’t the hurt feelings–although i do not discredit the validity of bruised feelings–it’s the extreme desire to be understood. especially when dealing with one who typically does understand. there’s nothing like the ease of spending time with someone who sees your heart, who speaks your language.

but what if, on occasion, suddenly you’re both speaking greek? it isn’t so much the first few statements, the surprise, the ‘bruises’ that stick with you. it’s the following… the lengthy, hair-pulling battle to make each other understand. and then the feelings and the thinkings start getting treated like facts that can be wrong.

what a mess. so what to do? cut the whole thing off early on and try to skip it all? have one person stomp out of the room and cool off? what if the cooling off periods don’t line up, and, is the desire to be understood skippable? when you know in the long run, in the grand scheme… how little this one particular spat matters to what’s there between two particular humans. it makes us particularly human. and fragile. but in the face of our strength, the bond, the love, a fragile moment has no power.

my god, who am i? i’m a conflict talker–always always trying to resolve by talking about it, but since when do i want to talk all mushy-like about generalities? i do have a self-help writer in my web of family. i’m quite fond of her, and proud of her success, so i generally avoid scoffing about the whole self-help genre, which i tend to find a big pile of crap, but… here i am making fun of myself for sounding like the thing i look down on. perhaps i need to read some of it myself. or maybe just avoid blogging on this sort of night.

haiku year!

okay folks. i have started a new page, for us to try to do a haiku year. anyone who would like to write for this please let me know and i will add you as a page author. anyone who does not want to write but might like to read, also welcome. so look here:

http://www.ecentipedehaiku.wordpress.com

and we’re off!

look at this

really, go look. it made me happier today.

http://devotedbee.com/animalfacts.html

 

are snakes capable of allegory?

the other night, we discovered steve the snake in a decidedly surprising position. he had recently shed, and because i like to disturb him as little as possible when he’s about to/in process of/just finishing a shed, i hadn’t yet taken the old skin out of the tank. and then…

he crawled back into his own skin, wearing it in the opposite direction.

i can think of no instinctual or beneficial purpose for this behavior. and so i ask, are snakes capable of allegory? of course i was prompted to recall the many instances, thankfully most of them in the pre-teen years and somewhat softened by distance, in which i wanted to crawl out of my skin. have new skin. turn my skin inside out. not have any skin showing at all.

and i wonder how many skins i’ve had, and if i would fit, or want to fit, in an old one. and i wonder what kind of brains and thoughts snakes have. does steve remember being a baby? does he remember when he last ate or only notice if he’s hungry? does he really remember who i am? does it matter?

he crawled back into his own skin… 

participate

i’m tired of hearing myself talk. i know there are some people reading, i challenge you now to talk back. some topics of discussion during my recent quick trip to ny:

*which archetype best describes your problem solving methods? ninja, pirate, wizard…?
*how do you learn? can we teach you a card game by talking, playing an open hand, writing rules down?
*my nephew likes to dance during his breakfast. how and when do you like to wiggle?

it’s raining and i have some last bits of work to do before i can close my latest show file. after completion of these, life becomes much more interesting!