a plague of indecision; looking ahead; north tower

a plague of indecision
indecision, but not apathy. feeling in a very particular mood makes it tougher to choose– consequence of the so-called wrong choice looming. this afternoon i made the bold and sure choice to have blood orange sorbetto. i stand by that choice, it was delicious. but beyond that, who knows.

looking ahead
snapping at indecision’s heels is old friend inability to plan ahead. who knows what’s happening next week? next month? i have a firm start date for the next show, which i am anticipating with gladness. (gladity?) from now until then, there is an amorphous cloud of thing’s i’d like to do. we’ll see how many of said things are actually accomplished. meanwhile, i am indeed looking ahead to over-wintering some herbs. this, i can plan.

north tower
north tower being the place i made my first new friend in phila six years ago. a rare visit is bringing memory (that horrible itchy plaid sofa!) and some downright happy. and an opposite reflection–he is in the midst of the final preparations to carry out a most forward thinking and bold choice of a major relocation. we are hitting up some of his old (my current) stomping grounds and plan a nice sloth monday in commemoration of our exhaustion day of rest (and laundry and errands and social time) in the midst of 80 hour weeks. what an odd and amazing year that was.

improvement, stagnation, confusion, oh my!

but i don’t want to talk about any of it.

everything else seems trivial. i’ve taken up yoga, daily haiku, concrete gardening, i’ve been devouring books and knitting projects and the food network. all so very worthwhile and enjoyable, but none providing daily routine. i really don’t mean to offend when i say this, but know of no better way to describe–the meandering existence of a housewife is driving me mad. i miss work. problem is, i’m fussy. i want satisfying, challenging, well compensated work. alas, i am twice elitist.

in the meantime, i am left bouncing from small enjoyment to the next, with omnipresent unease twining throughout the days and restless nights. does having legitimate sources of worry, or being aware of the general state of things make this any different from late-teens-malaise? does it matter? screens and keyboards seem to steer me towards this mood each night. perhaps it’s time again for the warmer and welcoming pencil and pocket-scruffed notepad. or perhaps it’s just time for me to stop indulging myself.

tornado update

delinquent, remiss, absent. these might be applied to my life as well as my half-hearted blog.

on the other toe, some wonderful bits from the last few months–feeling at home in my work environment, meeting my new nephew (full head of fuzzy hair, constant squeaking, chubby cheeks) and being with my gramm for her 87th. also, looking at blue walls in the bedroom, some good active social time with friends, and some very lovely moments with my man.  

then, of course, there’s the busted oven, the entire lack of interest in knitting, a dying plant, a resurgence in joint/muscle pain, the painful slowness and difficulty in our turn the house into a home project.

layered over all of these is the simple and huge grief over the abrupt loss of fred, our senegal. knowing how delicately balanced birds’ systems are did nothing to prepare us. our very happy and healthy bird took less than 20 hours to die from dehydration–caused by vomiting–caused by a mystery. in our concern for the other three birds we even had them do a necropsy, which revealed no signs of obstruction, poisoning,  infection or organ failure. we fully expected to have fred with us well into middle age. to have him taken by a mystery, to have been helpless…

when i can talk about this without feeling the hurt in my stomach we are hoping to find others who have been affected by the lack of avian emergency care in this city and try to change things. the best (and only?) local animal emergency center is upenn–and they do not have avain specialists in on nights and weekends–not even on call. someone will come to pick up a patient at some point over the weekend if one has been admitted. at 8pm friday there was nobody to help us. by 8am saturday when we took him to a vet it was already too late.

 layered over everything and so very difficult to set aside. it doesn’t seem like there was anything else important to say.