the week in which things start to pile up

one of the great benefits of being in a relationship with someone (if you’re lucky) is having a second family. problem is, everything is his family is going wrong again. seems like the crisis mode has been passed hand to hand for the last couple of years… which makes every bit of bad news that much harder to take.

it seems we are best defined right now as grown up children–if that makes sense. which leaves my family (after several years of hard training) telling all the kids about everything and making us a part of discussions on how to take care of things when appropriate. his family, after only a couple years of training (and starting out very gently, after all i am an outsider) still waffles. we are sometimes kept in the loop and expected/able to help. sometimes, we find out about things when it’s too late to help, and mostly too late to worry.

today we got a call–to inform us of the loss of a cat. but it could have been any of three people. or with the way things are going, something else entirely. in the midst of fearing phone calls, i crave information. despite knowing that information won’t lead to anything i can do.

illusions of stillness

i’ve been sitting still staring at a blank screen for minutes trying to capture one thought. i picture them swirling around in a hollowed out brain–a bunch of silly string in a jello mold.

and then i start thinking about being still. how i can never be still. inside everything is moving, zooming with such purpose. busy neurons sending itchy messages from the bug-bitten left foot. blood surging and pooling to what will be a bruise tomorrow. uncountable mitochondria chugging out a manic ballet of energy.

and then i start thinking outside myself. water bugs scurrying on deserted sidewalks. people swirling out of a bar after last call. armies of trucks delivering the early edition. armies of trucks delivering armies. plate tectonics.

so how is one supposed to achieve stillness? more importantly, how is one supposed to tune out everything outside of a feeling of stillness… and why does thinking around something like this breed more restlessness, more silly string?

must learn sanskrit

so in addition to the large and lengthy tasks i have set for myself (still haven’t touched key one of a piano–except to have my hands photographed for a lines project) i feel like i want to learn sanskrit. i have a fondness for languages, and a rather petty preference for pretty sounding languages. sanskrit is pretty. also, things people say to me in sanskrit are pretty, or at least descriptively fun (this pose is easy, this pose is pigeon-y)

my favorite line from a chant we used to begin yoga last week was: guide me from darkness to light. of course i can’t remember the sanskrit properly. but the chant has been meandering in my thoughts all week, both in sound and in meaning. a little guidance wouldn’t be a bad thing. i’m not floundering, but i am, essentially, treading water. which is just fine, for the moment, if you like where you are. and i do. there are many places still to reach for, and sending a request for guidance to whomever, the ethers, myself, is a grand idea.

lightness. wonderful. i used to imagine that the words/states of being i (wanted to) strive for were stillness and joy. lightness, stillness, joy. a good collection started.

snapshots of my brain

well, i’ve been disregarding this collection of babble for a while. i’ve formed a far easier habit–arranging one striking moment of my day into three lines and posting them on a communal haiku blog here. (todays thought, of course, involved rain. lots and lots of rain. in fact, i’m wondering if i shouldn’t upend the rose pot again to dump out said lots and lots. note to self: three layers of rocks are insufficient, must tomorrow drill holes in pretty pot so as to not drown pretty rose…) here’s today’s snapshot for you, in case of interest, but mostly because i am rather pleased with this one, which rarely happens.

withered cell walls gasp,
plump, swell, blossom, divide and
burst. there is too much

in other news, we are experimenting with that odd critter called mac after reeling from a massive attack on our main laptop. because of course mine has been limping along for nearly a year and in need of replacing. i really don’t think i want to defect, but i’m very much interested in having a much lower chance of infection. i take a spartan dislike to bouncing icons (icons in general, i prefer to keep my view in list form, guess i’m a fuddy-duddy)

wait… how many words can i come up with to mean plain-old-fashioned?

what else. oh yes, picnics, picnics, grills and more picnics. this summer seems to be about gathering people together to create and enjoy large amounts of edibles. and something is eating my eggplant plant, which i must solve if i am to continue to grill delectable eggplants. also, the barely teenage folks at our fountain farmstand say i must hand pollinate my zucchini, because [warning! warning! fad {yet totally legitimate} environmental cause alert!] i don’t have enough bees. *sigh*

back in the technology age

up in the mountains in the house my grandparents bought in 1937 we have no climate control, no cell phone access, and no internet. the phone book is even a few years out of date. it’s a twenty minute drive to get to the nearest anything. although there is a dvd player, cable and satellite need not apply.

now for those of you who feel panic at the thought, i challenge that you come to the mountains with me for a few days. it is ultimately relaxing to let go, to be unable to manage or deal with anything other than the people you are next to and the critters that stroll by on the lawn.

we saw deer, groundhogs, three snakes (hog nose and garter) birds bugs and rodents of all kinds, and listened to lonely coyotes try and find each other in the night. we found a local farmer who up and decided to become a beekeeper–his wildflower honey is delicious. we took a two mile hike to see a mellow waterfall (always a destination for us). we baked a delicious blueberry coffeecake. we ate our way through two visits to our favorite farmstand. we sat on the porch and listened to the whine and buzz, smelling damp green things.

crooked snake

get your mind someplace else. i’m talking, of course, about a plant. two plants, actually. i was sent off to college with four plants: an aloe (a spare baby taken out of my mother’s pot full), a wandering jew (a rooted shoot taken from my sister’s biology project), and a little decorative pot with one piece each of snake plant (also called mother-in-law’s tongue, ridiculously) and dieffenbachia (also called dumb cane, also ridiculous).

i still have subsequent and bountiful generations of both the aloe and wandering jew–in fact i have given pieces of each to more than a dozen people over the years. the snake and dieff, though are original. they have grown through four cities, many homes, a couple of accidents (that cable installer in my third college apartment knocked them over and busted the pot!) and many repottings. the past couple of years they’ve been needing some drastic change; the snake had grown all crooked and interwoven, the dieff had spilled out of the pot… they have been in such competition for space and nutrients that they’d stopped growing and were starting to look a little tired.

so today i finally put fear aside (not very far aside) and separated them. it was a lengthy and heartbreaking process. i should say root breaking. they were so far tangled that several of the snake pieces lost bits of the roots. (on a side note that nobody will care about, these plants have tuber-like roots that send offshoots out laterally and remain loosely connected to the original.) well, now both plants are safely settled, and i just have to wait. i hope they make it. they have traveled with me now for twelve years, and along with sam the turtle remain my longest (non-human) living companions. i’m very attached.

particularly human

the reason it’s so hard to let go of grievances and arguments isn’t the hurt feelings–although i do not discredit the validity of bruised feelings–it’s the extreme desire to be understood. especially when dealing with one who typically does understand. there’s nothing like the ease of spending time with someone who sees your heart, who speaks your language.

but what if, on occasion, suddenly you’re both speaking greek? it isn’t so much the first few statements, the surprise, the ‘bruises’ that stick with you. it’s the following… the lengthy, hair-pulling battle to make each other understand. and then the feelings and the thinkings start getting treated like facts that can be wrong.

what a mess. so what to do? cut the whole thing off early on and try to skip it all? have one person stomp out of the room and cool off? what if the cooling off periods don’t line up, and, is the desire to be understood skippable? when you know in the long run, in the grand scheme… how little this one particular spat matters to what’s there between two particular humans. it makes us particularly human. and fragile. but in the face of our strength, the bond, the love, a fragile moment has no power.

my god, who am i? i’m a conflict talker–always always trying to resolve by talking about it, but since when do i want to talk all mushy-like about generalities? i do have a self-help writer in my web of family. i’m quite fond of her, and proud of her success, so i generally avoid scoffing about the whole self-help genre, which i tend to find a big pile of crap, but… here i am making fun of myself for sounding like the thing i look down on. perhaps i need to read some of it myself. or maybe just avoid blogging on this sort of night.

haiku year!

okay folks. i have started a new page, for us to try to do a haiku year. anyone who would like to write for this please let me know and i will add you as a page author. anyone who does not want to write but might like to read, also welcome. so look here:

http://www.ecentipedehaiku.wordpress.com

and we’re off!

prepare to be whirled…

right. so new bird named salad. he’s lovely. another senegal–it wasn’t our fault, really, the rescue center called us up with a ‘free to a good home’ message, we met the bird, and… well, he’s home. extra-muscled legs with a freakish amount of feathers, a tendency to chew on anything near his beak, a charming upside down pose he strikes when put back into his cage before he was ready to be home, a not-so-charming shoulders up aggression pose when he’s too sleepy to come out, frequent clicking, and a great love of my mediocre singing. he was on a strict junkfood diet, which caused him some joint problems in his feet (resulting in a hilarious, yet sad, tiptoe effect when walking on flat surfaces) and which we are battling to overcome. so far, salad enjoys eating papaya, banana, cranberry, and dried root veggies.

speaking of veggies (which i was, you know…) the carrots have finally sprouted! ridiculous frilly tops, have the sturdy carrots. also, the first few eggplants are growing on the eggplant plant. (hee!) they are making very satisfying progress. the many green bean and zucchini seedlings have been transplanted, most of them survived. of course they reached the appropriate height and strength during the heat wave… so a few fried. but i still have more than enough. back yard is getting crowded.

we have been using the new grill a lot. so easy. so, so easy. and tasty. i could go on, but there’s no need.

what else… ah, yes. surprises. my very sly collection of siblings and cousins threw me a surprise brunch and matinee, on fathers’ day. yes, you see why i was surprised–a couple weeks before my actual expiration date (for those of you who haven’t seen logan’s run, i’m turning 30. and you should see it.) and on somebody else’s holiday. i was easy to fool, being generally agreeable about activities (they pitched a high end audio convention, which my brother and boyfriend would have loved had it been real, and i just said, sure, why not.) it was lovely. brunch place had choices for everyone (yay spinach and chickpea omelette) and the show was a really good try at absurdist theatre, which i like. if only they’d had a professional choreographer and an extra week of rehearsals… wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, which made it all the more special as a choice for me. also, i spent the day covered in feather boas and a pink sparkly tiara.

also was gifted some yarn that is “me” colored, out of which i am told to make stripey knee socks. i can’t complain about the idea, but i might complain once i get to turning the heel, when for some reason the pattern seems to be written in sanskrit.

on a side note, my yoga teacher often slips bits of yoga theory and sanskrit in during class, and i happen to like the sound of the language very much. still meaning to brush up (ahem: relearn) my french and pick up something new. particularly interested in sign language and pretty sounding non-romance varieties… maybe after i learn to play the piano, yet another large project on the list.

okay. enough for one update. i need to get myself to sleep. try now, might make it by 4, 4:30.

 

new router conquers staggering heat

yep, i’ve been away because it was just too hot to be in the room with the internet access, and the router was dying a slow death, and…so…things were just inconvenient. here i am, though, in an air conditioned room with a laptop, babble-ready.

what’s been occupying my thoughts (the ones not devoted to feeling hot and cranky) this evening is my relative level of sappiness. i have always been susceptible to sad moments in books, tv, you name it. in the past few days, though, i’ve gotten weapy eyes during an episode of jericho (we’ve been watching the series on netflix, like it a lot) one of battlestar galactica, and a chapter in closing time (which i am reading alongside of a collection of stories, though i am usually a monogamous reader)

right. anyway, i seem to be extra sappy lately. eh, i’m done thinking about that.

now i’m thinking about how many extra pots and bags of dirt i need to resettle all of the sprouts i’ve gotten from my seeds. the green beans and zucchini are exploding, and nearly every seed planted came up. the onions are about 3″ tall and arranged nicely in bunches, so they stay put. the carrots appear to be duds! disappointing. but meanwhile, i need to give the green guys some room to spread out or they will begin fighting. much like the murdering fish (who fought despite a complete plethora of territorial space and food) the greenies are unaware that they do not need to compete. i will care for them all.

i am interrupted by some gentle squeaking by salad. oh! have i written here that we adopted a new bird? more to come…